Desert of Shame (Warrior Princess Series)

Defeat’s salty tears sting as they flow over scars from the past. Reminders of failed attempts – my lack – bring me to the Desert of Shame. I didn’t need to go “there,” but I didn’t know where else to go. I’ve failed so often! How could The King possibly want me to be His ambassador?

Sorrowful Repentance is Good (Warrior Princess Series)

Greetings, dear friends. I trust my last letter was delivered to you. Many battles and narrow paths kept me from writing earlier. I have only a few moments to write now, but do not want to tarry any longer, lest you fear something troubling has happened to me. 
 

I committed to share some lessons Abba our King has revealed, which are not new to many I’m sure, but were made more sure in my heart and mind when The King sent Word to me. I remember an awful shame, fear, and sadness coming over me in the Desert of Shame. I believe I mentioned this briefly in my first letter, but I did not elaborate as the letter was long enough and I needed to be on my way.

It all depends... on God's mercy

"It does not, therefore, depend on human desire or effort, but on God’s mercy." Rom. 9:16 (You can read Romans 9 in full here. ) 

Abba God,
Wow. I am so quick to forget... You have shown me so much mercy in saving me. I didn't do anything to deserve this gift. So it is with anything good in my life... Forgive me for repeatedly striving to be "perfect" on my own, for focusing on myself all the while. Teach me to simply trust You to: change me, work out details, walk with me through the hard times, etc. Thanking You seems insufficient. After all of these years, I still don't fully grasp how this sanctification works, but I guess I don't have to. I just need to get back in the yoke with Jesus, and learn today's lessons without worry. Surely that's hard enough for one day's work! I'd do well to let the rest go... Thanks for always teaching me and never letting me go. I do believe, help me where my belief is weak! In Jesus' name... 

Rejoice? Why again, exactly?

"I will rejoice greatly in the Lord,

My soul will exult in my God;

For He has clothed me with garments of salvation,

He has wrapped me with a robe of righteousness,

As a bridegroom decks himself with a garland,

And as a bride adorns herself with her jewels."

Isaiah 61:10, NASB

Abba God, I admit that I don't feel like praising You. My circumstances are frustrating and I feel so stuck. BUT I choose right now to rejoice greatly in You, for You have given me all that is good. You have cleaned me and given me truth to learn from. You chose me to be your very own child and You gave me the best You had to offer - a royal robe of righteousness. Thank You for loving me so well. Give me courage to choose to rejoice all day. Teach me what your love truly means - how it's impacted my present & future. I can't fight these battles any longer as I've been trying to, so I give them to You to deal with. Do as You know best. There is none like You, and You are faithful. Surely I'm in good hands! Knowing the filth that still lingers in the flesh (there is nothing good in man), I'm again humbled by the honor of knowing You & having a clean robe of righteousness. You are clearly more good than I often consider. All glory & praise are yours. In Jesus' name...  

past few weeks

Felt I should share a bit of what’s been happening spiritually in my life. I haven’t been blogging for a few weeks, mainly because of another spiritual desert during which I needed to listen more than share.

My steady spiral downward emotionally had been kick-started by a loss which was heaped on top of other frustrating, out-of-my-control disappointments. While trying to be brave and strong, my strength was waning. Disappointment, fears, and loneliness threatened to choke out all hope of change, and the desire to upkeep any relationships.

Out of weariness and emptiness, hungry for truth and unable to drum up my own spiritual energy or focus, I had no choice but to wait on Abba God to do whatever He willed.

I cried out to Abba countless times, and received silence for much longer than I was comfortable. Being in such a dark place dredges up deep questions.

I must have done something wrong to be “here”.

I’m not where I thought I’d be by now (circumstantially & spiritually).

Maybe “this” is my fault. Look at how so-and-so is being used by God…

Maybe “they” were right about me... (repeat cycle)

I had no idea I was even entertaining these thoughts. They weren’t words swirling around in my head (for once); just emotions deeply buried internally. It takes a Determined Surgeon who specializes in my heart condition to remove the infection and bring healing.

I’m a bit embarrassed to admit that the answer hasn’t changed from the last spiritual desert.

Déjà vu with a slight twist. Many of our life lessons bring us back to the basics, don’t they?

Different circumstances, similar heart issues.

I was so incredibly disappointed in various aspects of life… I wasn’t trusting Abba or focusing on Him.

Today, right now

I choose to put God on my heart throne. (instead of myself & what I want)

I choose to abide in Christ, “consenting to let Him do all for us, and in us, and through us." (Andrew Murray, Abide in Christ)

Flesh does not die quietly, but I have a mighty Prince who fights for me.

Dearest Abba God, May your will be done, not mine. If you want to use me – or not – that’s all up to You. Give me tunnel vision focus on You, instead of circumstances. Convict me to serve You over all else. Give me courage to abide instead of trying to force things to happen as I think they ought. In Jesus’ name… 

prayer of surrender

Abba God, help me come to a place of full surrender to you… to yield only to you and no other influence that’s been prevalent in my life. I’ve yielded to far too many influences in my lifetime and I long to only have One on my mind – Jesus my Savior Prince.  Give me courage today to stand firm on the truth You’ve taught me in Your Word, to fight by abiding in Jesus, and to believe that You are here with me now, today, and forever. In the name of my Jesus...

Abide, Deny, Trust - part 3 - Denying self

This series is a recap of from what I've been learning through recent ongoing storms:

1.    Abide in Jesus

2.    Deny myself: to follow Jesus and lay aside everything identified with myself

3.    Trust Abba

Denying self is not pleasant, but it’s critical as a Jesus follower.

In all of the gospel accounts, we find Jesus explaining in clear terms what would happen to him, when Peter starts scolding him. I’m sure any of us would do the same, in his situation. After all, teachers and students of the Text believed that when their Messiah appeared, He would overthrow the current Roman regime and rule the world. What Jesus was saying just didn’t make any sense, as God had bigger plans which weren’t yet understood.

Jesus’ response: “Get behind Me, Satan; for you are not setting your mind on God’s interests, but man’s.”

Next, Jesus turns his attention to the crowd, stating:

“If anyone wishes to come after Me, he must deny himself, and take up his cross and follow Me. For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake and the gospel’s will save it. For what does it profit a man to gain the whole world, and forfeit his soul? For what will a man give in exchange for his soul?...

Mark 8:34-37, NASB and Message

This message wasn’t proclaimed only to his closest disciples, but to all who want to follow Jesus. What does this even mean?

Suffering… in that culture, taking up your cross meant embarrassment, suffering, shame, submission to ruling authorities and God’s calling on your life. It does in this culture, too, for many of us. I think it was Deitrich Bonhoeffer who explained that our callings look different, as God's not in the cookie-cutter business. One might be called to leave the ministry to be in the world (as Martin Luther was), or one might be called to leave the world and enter ministry. Some are given a happy platform to proclaim Jesus; others are called to martyrdom.

Submission to whatever Jesus is leading us in... Abba might call you to follow Jesus into the opposite of what you expect. Sometimes Jesus told followers to stay put (Remember the demon-possessed man, after Legion demons were sent into the pigs who drowned?). Sometimes, he sent them out (as he did the 72, Paul, and so many more).

Denying oneself is choosing to reject your own desires, to submit to Jesus, to obey Abba. He's extremely clear when He’s telling us to take another step in our faith journey. In those times when we are confused or conflicted, we wait… We stay where we are, holding fast to what we’ve already learned. If in doubt, keep on loving where you are. 

Abba, thank you so much for including us in your family, for teaching us what it means to follow Jesus, and for giving us clear directions at just the right time. Help us be content in Jesus, knowing that He is our everything, our focus, our salvation. Our roles are not what define us. JESUS defines us. In his name, with great thanks and praise…