Desert of Shame (Warrior Princess Series)

Defeat’s salty tears sting as they flow over scars from the past. Reminders of failed attempts – my lack – bring me to the Desert of Shame. I didn’t need to go “there,” but I didn’t know where else to go. I’ve failed so often! How could The King possibly want me to be His ambassador?

Anxiety's enemy? God's consolations which delight my soul!

When my anxious thoughts multiply within me,

Your consolations delight my soul. – Ps 94:19, NASB

But the Lord has been my stronghold,

And my God the rock of my refuge.

He has brought back their wickedness upon them

And will destroy them in their evil;

The Lord our God will destroy them. – Ps 94:22-23, NASB

Abba God, there are times when my soul is so distraught that I do not know how to pray or what to do. Sometimes I feel so alone and wonder where You are. 

In Psalm 94, You remind me of sweet truths: 

You have been my faithful stronghold.

You are the rock of my refuge.

You defend me from - and destroy - those enemies I cannot fight in my own strength.

You have been faithful to me and sustained me - through all of my choices, my fears, my doubts, struggles, etc. You have saved me from sin and death. You promised to never leave me, and yet there are times when I feel so lonely. What then, Father?  Oh, Father! Increase my faith and strengthen my resolve to trust You when I  feel abandoned or unable to cling to truth. I cannot fight alone, but I want so much to glorify You and delight You! 

I praise You, even in the hard times. I don’t understand, but I make the choice to put my hope in You. One day all will bow their knee before You, and I have full assurance that my enemies (seen or unseen) will not prevail; in the end You will vindicate your own. Help me as I wait for what I cannot see. Remind me of your deep love and constant companionship. Give me strength to persevere today. Open my eyes to see how You are helping me in my weakness. Have mercy and compassion on me in my unbelief, remembering I'm merely human - walking clay that only breathes because You have put life into my frame. I submit to You once again, and choose to put my trust in the One who died for me. Help me understand what sufficient grace means, and to take delight in your consolations when anxiety threatens to choke all hope. In the name of my Mighty Warrior Prince Jesus I pray…

past few weeks

Felt I should share a bit of what’s been happening spiritually in my life. I haven’t been blogging for a few weeks, mainly because of another spiritual desert during which I needed to listen more than share.

My steady spiral downward emotionally had been kick-started by a loss which was heaped on top of other frustrating, out-of-my-control disappointments. While trying to be brave and strong, my strength was waning. Disappointment, fears, and loneliness threatened to choke out all hope of change, and the desire to upkeep any relationships.

Out of weariness and emptiness, hungry for truth and unable to drum up my own spiritual energy or focus, I had no choice but to wait on Abba God to do whatever He willed.

I cried out to Abba countless times, and received silence for much longer than I was comfortable. Being in such a dark place dredges up deep questions.

I must have done something wrong to be “here”.

I’m not where I thought I’d be by now (circumstantially & spiritually).

Maybe “this” is my fault. Look at how so-and-so is being used by God…

Maybe “they” were right about me... (repeat cycle)

I had no idea I was even entertaining these thoughts. They weren’t words swirling around in my head (for once); just emotions deeply buried internally. It takes a Determined Surgeon who specializes in my heart condition to remove the infection and bring healing.

I’m a bit embarrassed to admit that the answer hasn’t changed from the last spiritual desert.

Déjà vu with a slight twist. Many of our life lessons bring us back to the basics, don’t they?

Different circumstances, similar heart issues.

I was so incredibly disappointed in various aspects of life… I wasn’t trusting Abba or focusing on Him.

Today, right now

I choose to put God on my heart throne. (instead of myself & what I want)

I choose to abide in Christ, “consenting to let Him do all for us, and in us, and through us." (Andrew Murray, Abide in Christ)

Flesh does not die quietly, but I have a mighty Prince who fights for me.

Dearest Abba God, May your will be done, not mine. If you want to use me – or not – that’s all up to You. Give me tunnel vision focus on You, instead of circumstances. Convict me to serve You over all else. Give me courage to abide instead of trying to force things to happen as I think they ought. In Jesus’ name…