past few weeks

Felt I should share a bit of what’s been happening spiritually in my life. I haven’t been blogging for a few weeks, mainly because of another spiritual desert during which I needed to listen more than share.

My steady spiral downward emotionally had been kick-started by a loss which was heaped on top of other frustrating, out-of-my-control disappointments. While trying to be brave and strong, my strength was waning. Disappointment, fears, and loneliness threatened to choke out all hope of change, and the desire to upkeep any relationships.

Out of weariness and emptiness, hungry for truth and unable to drum up my own spiritual energy or focus, I had no choice but to wait on Abba God to do whatever He willed.

I cried out to Abba countless times, and received silence for much longer than I was comfortable. Being in such a dark place dredges up deep questions.

I must have done something wrong to be “here”.

I’m not where I thought I’d be by now (circumstantially & spiritually).

Maybe “this” is my fault. Look at how so-and-so is being used by God…

Maybe “they” were right about me... (repeat cycle)

I had no idea I was even entertaining these thoughts. They weren’t words swirling around in my head (for once); just emotions deeply buried internally. It takes a Determined Surgeon who specializes in my heart condition to remove the infection and bring healing.

I’m a bit embarrassed to admit that the answer hasn’t changed from the last spiritual desert.

Déjà vu with a slight twist. Many of our life lessons bring us back to the basics, don’t they?

Different circumstances, similar heart issues.

I was so incredibly disappointed in various aspects of life… I wasn’t trusting Abba or focusing on Him.

Today, right now

I choose to put God on my heart throne. (instead of myself & what I want)

I choose to abide in Christ, “consenting to let Him do all for us, and in us, and through us." (Andrew Murray, Abide in Christ)

Flesh does not die quietly, but I have a mighty Prince who fights for me.

Dearest Abba God, May your will be done, not mine. If you want to use me – or not – that’s all up to You. Give me tunnel vision focus on You, instead of circumstances. Convict me to serve You over all else. Give me courage to abide instead of trying to force things to happen as I think they ought. In Jesus’ name…