I wish I could say that I wake up each morning, brimming over with affection for my Prince Jesus, and anticipation for what glimpses of Abba I might catch during the day. I don't.
Daily I talk myself through a barrage of logic, based on Scripture, so that I am able to make the deliberate choice to die to the old fleshly girl who wants it her way, right away. I must choose - repeatedly throughout many days - to lay down old hurts which still haunt my mind and pierce my soul. I must choose to rip off those worries and concerns which crept back into my heart and mind when I wasn't looking.
Two truths are in my arsenal to fight the Daily Battle of Choice to seek God (when I'd rather stay in bed all day - or worse - treat others as badly as I feel inside).
1. God did so much for me - none of which I deserve.
I'm so embarrassed to say (I guess because of that "I have it all together" poker face we think we all have to carry.) that I often have to logically walk through Scriptures to convince myself of this truth. It's not a quick process and it is painful to lay aside the lies and doubts. Some days I'm not so successful, but after 20+ years of fighting this battle, the Stubborn Doubt Mode days are starting to lose out to the Truth Really is Reality days.
2. Abba God has so much more to show me, which I cannot comprehend.
I have to convince myself to leave the Valley of No Hope and step into the Realm of What I Cannot Yet See (aka I'm Going Home & It's Not HERE!). God didn't ONLY raise me from death into life so that I could live in a boring "heaven" - whatever your view is of heaven, it's not good enough. =). God's ways and thoughts are vastly beyond what we can imagine and His ability beyond what we can hope for. Therefore, I cannot help but think that we just don't grasp how amazing our heaven-citizenship is/will be.
6 And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus, 7 in order that in the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches of his grace, expressed in his kindness to us in Christ Jesus. Ephesians 2:6-7
He's raised me up so that He can show what??? Incomparable. Riches of His grace.
Just when will He be showing us? In the coming ages.
Most of us find it refreshing when someone holds open the door for us when our arms are overloaded. Yet, how much greater are God's acts of kindness to us! He will continue to show His grace to us for all of eternity. He deeply desires me (even when I wake up not really feeling "in love" with Him). He wants me. He wants to love on me for... ever and ever after.
He's an active God. He actively creates, and recreates. He brings grace and beauty to ashes. He gives life to bones. He saves from death. He went through great lengths to seek ME - AND YOU - out in the crowd. (Squeal with delight, girl. He loves and chose YOU!!!) He spent much patience and blood to draw me tenderly toward Him. His eyes are continually loving toward me. His mighty arm is ready to catch me, to support me, and to uphold me at all times. (He's so big and strong that He doesn't need to use two. ha!)
Abba God, Thank You so much for loving me in spite of the ugliness that daily rears its beastly head inside of me. Thank You for giving me choices, even I choose poorly. I can't imagine life without your words which speak truth into my innermost being. Give me courage to fight each morning against discouragement and doubt. Give me the determination to persevere so that I can stand firm even when I feel weak. I do believe, help me in my unbelief. May YOU be glorified in my weakness and be seen by others in my life. In Jesus' name.
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